The Green Team
by Navek
Summary: Season 2 AU. What if Doc wasn't the only one Command sent to Blood Gulch? What they sent a team that wasn't Red or Blue? What if they were actually somewhat competent? Will they change the course of history or just make everything suck even more? One thing is certain; whatever happens is going to involve lots of bullets. Rated M because Red vs Blue.
1. Chapter 1: New Kids in the Canyon

**Author's Note 1: I'm a fan of the Red vs Blue series, so here's my first attempt at making a story set in the boxed canyon. And it goes without saying that this is an AU at the start of Season 2.**

 _Chapter 1: New Kids in the Canyon_

It was a typical day at Blood Gulch. The sun was permanently in the middle of the sky, ensuring that night would never come. And the proud and disciplined soldiers of the Red Army were focused as they stood on patrol.

"You're full of shit." A guy in orange armor said to a guy in maroon armor.

"I'm telling you, Grif, it's a real disease." The maroon guy said to his fellow soldier.

"There's no way there's a disease called Assburgers."

"It's Asperger's."

"That's what I said."

The maroon guy just sighed before continuing. "Look. It's a real disease on the autism spectrum that makes it difficult for some people to pick up on social cues."

"Alright, let's say I believe that. Why the hell would anyone call a social disease Assburgers? That's just asking for people to mock and ridicule them."

"They named it after Australian pediatrician Hans Asperger."

"Okay, now I know you're making this shit up. Because there is no way that an actual person's real last name would be Assburger."

"1. It's not Assburger, it's Asperger. PER-GER! 2. Franklin Delano Donut."

"Oh yeah."

"So that's Simmons 1. Grif 0."

But before this pointless conversation could go any further, the two armored soldiers heard the loud sound of engines breaking through the atmosphere. The two looked up and saw something that made their jaws drop.

A massive green and gray pod ship (also known as a D20 Heron) was flying down towards the canyon. It flew over the Red Base, causing dust to blast everywhere. The ship then proceeded to hover over a space in the middle of Blood Gulch and landed with a loud clang.

"What in the name of Sam Elliot's mustache was all that noise?" Another red soldier with a southern accent asked as he ran up to the roof.

After various gears had unlocked, the Heron launched back into the air, leaving behind a rectangular fire base with green flags on it.

"I think we just got some new neighbors." Simmons said as various automatic welding systems starting working all over the new base.

"Sweet Mother of God! Grif, Simmons! Prepare the base for combat! I'll go wake up Donut from his beauty nap!" Sarge said before cocking his shotgun and running down the ramp. "Move, move, move!"

"Yes, sir!" Simmons replied as he followed his commanding officer, leaving Grif alone to sigh.

"Well, the quiet was fun while it lasted. Guess I gotta go do stuff now." The orange armored man said with all the enthusiasm of a high school student about to take their mid-terms.

Inside the new base, five armored individuals stood at attention. One was wearing emerald armor and holding an MA5C Assault Rifle. Another soldier with lime green armor was holding an M45 Tactical Shotgun. Yet another soldier in olive armor was wielding a Sniper Rifle System 99 Anti-Materiel. The next soldier in Shamrock armor had an M319 Individual Grenade Launcher. And finally, the odd man out was a guy in purple armor who was holding a Medical Scanner in his hands.

"Amador, how long until Green Base is fully operational?" The emerald soldier asked the shamrock soldier.

"Well ma'am, if this AI command gave us is any good, the base should be combat ready in just under four hours."

"Outstanding. Now to report to Command." The woman said before turning on her radio. "Come in, Command. This is Sergeant Amelia Hudson reporting from Blood Gulch. Do you read, Command?"

 _"Yes, dudette, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two._ " A distorted male voice from the other side of the radio amidst a bunch of static.

"Say again, Command. I do not read."

 _"Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello?"_

"Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo…"

 _"Yo, I hear you. Calm down,_ mamasita _, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?"_

Amelia raised an eyebrow at the guy's nonchalant lingo before responding, "Roger that, Command."

 _"Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on, Sargent Hudson?"_

"Wait, you picked up a secure military broadcast while you were in an elevator. Are you sure this is Command?"

" _Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?_ "

"UNSC Command? You're absolutely positive that you're UNSC Command?"

 _"Hey, Mamacita. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you."_

"Sorry, I just figured that the guys handling UNSC communications would be a bit more…"

 _"A bit more what?"_

"Professional."

 _"Hey, have you ever worked a communications job? It's borin' as hell! You either need loosen up or go insane from boredom. Hell, I'm Netflixing Iron Fist in between calls."_

"I'll take your word for it. Anyway, my team and I have established a base in Blood Gulch and are awaiting further instructions."

 _"Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says...Blood Gulch, bloo...blea...B-L-,_ blu _...Here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Is Medical Officer DuFresne with you guys?"_

"Affirmative."

 _"Alright, here's what you're gonna do. One of you green guys is gonna escort DuFresne to the Blue Base. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Tucker. Ask him about their wounded, dudette."_

"Roger that, Command. Any orders on what to do about Red Team?"

 _"Just keep an eye on them and do you what you think you need to do, Amelio. Let's see what else...yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't...oh...Okay, never mind Sargent, I'm supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh…"_

"Wait, what part?"

 _"It's nothing, dude."_

"It doesn't sound like nothing."

" _Okay, just be safe out there. And if you need anything else from old Vic, I got a little jingle to help ya."_

"That...won't be necessary…"

 _"If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click, click, click, click. Just call me up 555-V-I-C-K! Okay, Command Out."_

And with that, the transmission ended, making it quiet in the Green Base as the soldiers looked at each other awkwardly.

"Is it just me or did that guy seem…" The soldier in olive armor asked with a male southern accent.

"Off?" The woman in lime armor finished.

"I was just thinking the same thing." The guy in the purple armor chimed in.

"Well regardless of Command's questionable standards, we got a job to do." Amelia said before looking at the lime woman. "Hawkins, you escort DeFresne to Blue Base and see if you can learn anything about the soldiers there."

"You got it, Ma'am!" The lime woman excitingly responded before she and the purple guy existed the base. Amelia then turned to the man with the sniper rifle.

"Jeremiah, go scout out the Red Base and report back if they do anything suspicious."

"I'll go grab my piss jars." The olive armored man said before leaving the room. The emerald soldier then turned to face the shamrock-colored soldier.

"Amador, see if you can get that AI up and running."

"Roger that. But what are you're gonna do ma'am?" Amador asked.

"I'm gonna go check on the vehicles. See if they took any damage when we broke through the atmosphere."

And with that, the Green Team all went about their assigned duties, Hawkins and DeFresne in particular headed for the Blue Base. When they got close enough, they saw three soldiers (one in light blue armor, one in standard issue blue and one in aqua) chatting in front of the base.

"So which one do you think is Private Tucker?" DeFresne asked.

"No idea. Guess we'll just ask." Hawkins replied as they approached the base.

"Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay?" The man in light blue armor said to the other blue soldiers. "I thought we'd established by now…"

"Excuse me." DeFresne said as he and Hawkins stopped near them.

"Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in middle of something here." The light blue guy rudely stated before turning back to the other guys. "Ah, look...I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good."

"Hey, fuckfaces!" Hawkins yelled out, getting their attention.

"Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you guys?" The light blue guy asked.

"Don't ever be alone." The standard blue guy said to the aqua guy in a deep voice.

"He's doing that thing again…" The aqua guy stated.

"My name's DuFresne. Uh...are you Private Tucker?"

"No, I am not Private Tucker." The light blue guy responded. "My name is Church."

He then motioned to the guy in aqua armor. "This is Private Tucker."

"Hey, baby. You come around here often?" Tucker asked Hawkins.

"Actually, I just moved in with the rest of my squad. We're stationed in that rectangular base over there." The lime-clad woman replied as she pointed at her base.

"Woah! How did we not see that until now?" Tucker said.

"And you are?" Church asked.

"Private Erika Hawkins. Nice to meet ya."

"It's nice to meet you too, bird lady." The guy in standard blue said.

"Oh yeah, our friend over here in regulation blue, that's Caboose." Church stated. "Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself."

"Why did you introduce me second?" Caboose asked.

"Because he hates you." Tucker chimed in.

"We received your call for a medic." DeFresne stated.

"Medic? That was like three months ago." Caboose stated.

"Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?" Tucker asked.

"Ya, we had a little...engine problem." Hawkins replied.

"What do you mean?" Church asked.

"Let's just say it's not a good idea to put nitromethane into a D20's engine and leave it at that."

"So, where's the patient?" DeFresne asked.

"Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down."

The purple and lime soldiers turned around and saw two graves; one with a cross and one with the Star of David.

"Oh." Hawkins said with sadness in her voice.

"I'm sorry about your loss." DeFresne said in condolence.

"What? Oh...yeah." Church replied. "Yeah, thanks, man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do?"

"We didn't like her very much." Caboose stated before whispering, "She was mean to other people."

"Why are you whispering?" Hawkins asked, also whispering.

"I...don't really know."

"Who's in the other grave?" DeFresne asked.

"That's uh, that's me." Church explained. "I'm in that grave."

"...What?" Hawkins asked in confusion.

"See, uh...he got killed by this uh...crazy runaway tank." Caboose stated.

"Or by the idiot driving it." Tucker said, glaring at Caboose from behind his visor.

"Oh yeah, and then he became, uh...this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh...oh! And then we had to uh…, oh yeah that's right, spray paint him, ah...to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man…who...is blue." Caboose explained.

The two new Blood Gulch residents said nothing before looking at each other and then looking back at the Blues. And naturally, there was only thing Hawkins could say in response to that explanation.

"Are you high?"

"I know this all sounds insane, but trust me, it happened." Church explained.

"Yeah, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off." Tucker stated.

"(Not entirely turned off, moron.)" Church said to Tucker in Spanish.

The aqua-clad man just sighed and said, "I'll go get the Spanish dictionary."

Meanwhile at Green Base, Amador was connecting wires to the main computer terminal while it was downloading the AI into it.

"Alright, red goes to red. Yellow goes into yellow." He whispered to himself as Hudson walked into the room.

"Hey, Amador, who was in charge of making sure the vehicles were secure before takeoff?" The emerald sergeant asked.

"I think Hawkins was." The shamrock technician replied. "Why? What happened?"

"Well, the Hornet's left engine is smashed, the Cobra's barrel is dented, and don't even get me started on what happened to the Wolverine." She explained before sighing. "I swear, Erika's heart is in the right place but sometimes…"

"Well, this might cheer you, ma'am." Amador said as he stood up and turned to face the computer. "I've just about finished installing the AI."

"You know, it actually does." Hudson said as she stood next her subordinate. "Now let's test this baby out!"

"Roger that." Amador said before pressing a button on the console. However, nothing happened. He pressed it again but nothing happened again.

"Um…"

"Oh wait, it's on Video 3." The shamrock technician stated before switching it to the right input.

"Why do we even have multiple inputs on this thing?" Hudson asked.

"Do you not want to watch Blu-Rays on your PS4K?"

"Good point." The woman said before the screen showed the UNSC logo and several sound lines.

" **Hello. I am Artifical Intelligence serial number 15521993. You may call me Darren."**

"Darren? Does that stand for anything?" Amador asked.

 **"No. It's just Darren."**

"Darren, what is your objective?" Hudson asked.

 **"To assist UNSC Special Operations Team Green during their stay in Blood Gulch."**

"Excellent." The emerald woman said. "Can you bring up any info on the Red and Blue soldiers of Blood Gulch?"

 **"Sure. Just give me a minute."** The AI stated before it started looking through the data. **"Searching...searching….still searching. Search complete. Blood Gulch Troops File located."**

"Awesome." Amador stated.

 **"Oops. Butterfingers."**

The green soldiers looked at each other in confusion before facing the screen again.

"Um...Darren, define butterfingers." Hudson ordered.

 **"Butterfingers is a candy bar first invented on Earth in 192…"**

"No, I mean why you did say butterfingers after you found the Blood Gulch file?" The emerald woman asked.

 **"Oh yeah. Okay, I need you guys to promise you won't, like, freak out."**

"Just tell us what happened." Amador said.

 **"I dropped the file. It's broken."**

"...WHAT?!" Hudson yelled out.

 **"You promised you wouldn't freak out!"**

"How do you drop a computer file?!" Amador asked, utterly baffled by the AI's response. "It's not a physical thing you can break! Hell, you don't have hands to drop them with!"

 **"Well, that's what happened."**

"Can you recover the file?" The shamrock-clad man asked.

 **"Not without some heavy duty duct tape."**

"You are not a real person, Darren!" Hudson yelled.

"Great. Command gave us the dumbest AI in existence." Amador said with his head down.

 **"Who are you calling you dumb, shisno?"**

"And now he's making he's making up words." Hudson stated in a seething rage.

" **I'll have you know that shisno is a real slang word used by Covenant races to insult humans."**

"You can't figure what you did to a computer file, and yet you expect us to believe you know alien slang?" Amador asked.

 _"Hot Shot to all points. Hot Shot to all points."_ Jeremiah said over the radio. _"Looks like we got a situation on our hands."_

"What is it, Hot Shot?" Hudson asked.

" _Looks like the Reds are moving to attack something."_

"Please tell me they're not headed for our base." Amador said, knowing that the base was not nearly ready for a full frontal assault. Especially if Darren fucked up maintaining the defenses like he did looking for the computer file.

 _"Nope, they're passing right by it. I think they're gonna the Blue Base."_

"Preybird, did you get that?" Hudson asked Hawkins over the radio.

"Loud and clear, Archer." The lime woman responded. "Orders?"

"If the Reds attack you, you have my permission to retaliate, Preybird. Hot Shot, keep the Reds in sight and wait until I give the word before you pull the trigger. Smithy and I will load up and attempt to ambush the Reds from the rear. Everyone understand their orders?"

 _"Yes, Ma'am!"/_ "Yes, Ma'am!"

 **A few minutes before Jeremiah called Green Base...**

"Wait, so, no one here is hurt?" DeFresne asked the Blues.

"No, we're fine." Church replied. "In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

"You said they were shorting out." Caboose stated.

After the sound of switch flipping, Church turned towards Caboose's direction and said, "I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I can't hear you!"

"Well then let me just check you two out, and we'll be on my way." DeFresne said as he leveled his medical scanner at the other two Blues.

"Whoa...check us out?" Tucker asked. "Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?"

"Okay...um...wow." Erika said, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. She then started to back up and said, "I'll just give you guys some privacy."

"It's not like that, Hawkins." DeFresne stated. "I'm gonna check their vitals."

"Oh, thank God." The lime-clad woman said in relief.

"I bet I have better vitals than you!" Caboose said to Tucker. "What's a vital?'

"On your way? I don't think so." Church said. "Aren't you guys here to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed." DeFresne explained.

"I already got my own team." Hawkins explained.

"So...you're a Red?" Caboose guessed.

"Nope."

"Well then you got be a Blue, 'cause that's the only other team in this canyon is the Reds." Tucker stated.

"I'm not Red or Blue. I'm Green."

"So there's a whole faction in the war?!" Church exclaimed in anger. "Oh, that is just what needed!"

"I'm confused, Hawk Lady. Are you here to kill us or the Reds?" Caboose asked.

"For the moment, we're neutral in this whole conflict." Hawkins stated. "But we'll probably end up killing the team that annoys us the most."

"...so you are here to kill the Reds." Caboose stated.

Erika just sighed at this while DeFresne said, "Look, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector."

"A conscie-...who?" Tucker asked in confusion.

"Frank here's a pacifist." Hawkins stated.

"He's a thing that babies suck on…?" Caboose asked.

"No, dude, that's a pedophile." Tucker chimed in.

"Tucker, I think he means a pacifier." Church stated.

"Oh yeah, right." The aqua guy said. "Man, I was totally thinking about something else."

"I can I kick him in balls?" Erika asked Church.

"Go for it."

And indeed, the lime-clad soldier went to it and kicked the aqua-clad soldier where the sun doesn't shine.

"Ow, my keys!"

And it was at the time that DeFresne finished scanning the Blue Soldiers. "Well, aside Tucker's bruised testicles, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before…"

"Hold up, Frank." Erika said before tuning into the conversation on the Green Team's private channel. "Loud and clear, Archer. Orders?"

"Oh…." Tucked groaned as he got back up. "Who's Archer?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" Hawkins exclaimed, finishing her transmission before turning to Frank and the Blues. "Okay, I'm gonna go find some cover. You guys should probably do the same."

"What? Why?" Church asked as the lime-colored woman ran to a rock for cover.

"Because the Reds are going to attack!"

And just as she said that, a bullet passed just in front of DeFresne. This in turn was followed by another few shots as a barrage began.

"Scatter!" Church ordered. The Blues and DeFresne did just that as the Reds continued to shoot at them.

"Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!" Simmons yelled as he fired his assault rifle.

"Yeah, sneak attack!" Grif exclaimed as he stood up….in Simmon's line of fire.

"Sit down, you dumb ass, I can't see." The maroon-clad soldier stated.

"Hike up yer knickers, fellas." Sarge said as he cocked his shotgun. "Let's go get 'em."

On the other side of the battlefield, Erika slid behind a rock and pulled out the M6G Magnum Handgun she kept on her in case she came across a target that was farther than her shotgun could hit.

"Eat lead, you red cocksuckers!" The lime-colored woman said before unloading a few rounds.

"Ah! My hammies!" Donut yelled in pain.

"Fight through the pain, Donut!" Sarge yelled as he continued to fire his shotgun...not realizing that his weapon of choice had a limited firing range.

As Erika began to reload her magnum, she heard someone making nervous noises and turned to her left. Caboose was continually crouching up and down, somehow evading the continual rain of bullets.

"Caboose, what're you doing?"

"They're shooting at me!" The blue soldier yelled in fear.

"And you have a gun! So shoot back at them!"

"Oh, right! Okie dokie!" Caboose replied before standing up and unloading his clip...almost hitting Church in the process.

"Caboose, what the fuck?!" The leader of Blue Team yelled out in anger.

"You know what, just stay behind your rock. My team's already their way." Erika stated.

"Are they nice?" Caboose asked.

"Oh yeah, they're the best. Suck it, Red!" Hawkins said before unloading another clip at the Reds. "They can be a bit rough around the edges, but they're practical family."

"Just like me and Church!"

"...Ya. Just like you and Church."

Suddenly, a bullet hit Caboose in the foot. "Ahow! My foot!"

"What the hell?" Hawkins asked before realizing where the bullet came from. "Is it a custom on Blue Team to shoot your teammates instead of the enemy?"

 _"Preybird, do you read me?"_

"I read you, Hot Shot! What's going on?"

 _"Well, from where I'm standing, it looks like the Reds are out of ammo."_

"Wait, seriously?" The lime-colored woman asked, only now just noticing that the Reds seemed to have stopped firing.

" _Ya, I haven't seen them reload once. And they all seem to be yelling at the orange guy."_

"Maybe he's the guy who was supposed to bring extra bullets." Hawkins guessed while DeFresne arrived to check on Caboose's injury.

 _"What kind of half-cocked squad makes one guy carry all the extra ammo?"_

"Hell if I know. What's the ETA on Preybird and Smithy?"

 _"They should be approaching the Reds right about…"_

"Hey, Blues!" Sarge yelled out. "We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

Suddenly, a rocket-propelled grenade hit the ground near Sarge, causing a tiny explosion. "What the hell?"

The Red Team then heard the sound of coughing and turned to see Hudson and Amador aiming their weapons at them.

"I don't think they're going to be the ones surrendering." The leader of Green Team proclaimed.

"Oh, son of a bitch." Simmons groaned.

"Aha! So I was right!" Sarge exclaimed as he held his shotgun in the directions of the Greens. "You newbies are reinforcements for the Blue Team!"

"Not even close." Amador replied.

"Well, you may have outflanked us, but can guarantee you won't take us down without losing at least three of your men!"

"Really?" Hudson asked. "And how, praytell, do you plan on killing us without any bullets?"

"They know!" Donut yelled in fear.

"It's worse than I thought!" Sarge exclaimed. "The new Blues have telepathic powers!"

"Are you for real?" Amador asked in disbelief of the stupidity they were hearing.

"How else could do know that Grif didn't bring any extra ammunition?"

"Maybe it's because we've had a sniper watching you guys for last two hours." The shamrock-clad technician stated.

"Pfff. You're bluffing." Grif said.

"Hot Shot?" Hudson called in.

 _"Yes, Ma'am?"_

"Fire a warning shot across the orange guy's nose."

 _"You got it."_

Four seconds later, a bullet barely missed the front of Grif's visor, promptly freaking the Red Soldier out.

"Holy Shit!" The orange-clad man yelled.

"Who's bluffing now?" Hudson asked, still pointing her assault rifle at the Reds.

"Okay, what do you want?!" Simmons asked in fear.

"Well, you've been shooting at one of our guys and the medical officer she was going to escort to your base. So it's only fair you give anything us we want. It's the least you can do." The emerald woman stated.

"So what do you want?" Sarge asked.

"Can anyone on your team fix vehicles?" Amador asked. "Ours are kind of...broken."

The Reds looked at each other before looking back at the two Greens.

"Well, we did have this Mexican Robot that could fix vehicles like it's no one's business." The leader of Red Team stated.

"Did? What happened to it?" Hudson asked.

"The Blues stole him three months ago." Donut said. "They probably have him locked up in their base."

"Poor Lopez." Sarge said in despair. "I can only imagine the horrific things the Blues have done to him."

"Preybird, did you catch that?" Hudson asked.

"Loud and clear, Ma'am." Hawkins replied before standing up and approaching Church & Tucker.

"What's going on? Are those guys holding up the Reds with you?" Tucker asked.

"Yup. That's Sargent Hudson and Lukas, our technician." The lime-colored girl said before facing Church. "So, Church. Do you think my team can borrow the robot you're possessing?"

"What? For how long?"

"Let me see." Hawkins said before going back on the Green Channel. "How long would we need him, Smithy?"

 _"Well, considering the extensive damage that someone, not gonna who say who, caused by not properly securing the vehicles before takeoff, I'd say about three weeks if we're lucky."_

"About three weeks."

"Chingado, no way! I just got this body!" Church exclaimed.

"I see. Well then…" Hawkins said before cocking her shotgun and aiming it at Tucker.

"Woah, what the fuck?!" The aqua-colored soldier yelled out.

"What're you doing?!" The blue poltergeist asked.

"I tried doing this the easy way, Church. Now we're doing it the fun way."

"Don't you mean the hard way?" Tucker asked.

"I know what I said." Erika replied before turning her head back to Church. "Either you stop possess that repair droid, or I shoot Tucker in the dick."

"You know, Hawkins, if you're so obsessed with my dick, I'd be willing to give it you without all the violence. If you know what I mean."

"Shut up." The lime-clad woman said.

"Okay, okay, how about this?" Church interrupted before anyone could get shot. "I'll let you borrow the robot if you can get the Red Team to admit that they suck."

"Archer, did you hear that?"

"Loud and clear, Preybird." Hudson said before addressing the Reds again. "Okay, here's what's going to happen. You guys are going admit to everyone here that you suck."

"And why in tarnation would we do that?" Sarge asked.

"Hot Shot?"

" _Yes, Ma'am?"_

"Pink guy."

 _"On it."_

And just like that, Donut was clipped in the shoulder. "Ow!"

"You make a convincing argument." Sarge replied before turned and conversing quietly with the rest of Red Team. After a minute of whispering, the leader of Red Team addressed the Greens again. "What if we admit that one of us sucks?"

"Nice!" Grif stated. "Wait, you mean Donut, right?"

 _ **Two hours of Negotiating Later…**_

"Alright, does everyone agree with the terms?!" Amelia asked loudly. "Private Grif will admit that he sucks, the Blue Team will send us Lopez, and we in turn will not head or crotch shot anyone on the Red or Blue Teams!"

"I can't believe we wasted two hours doing this." Amador flatly stated.

 _"I can. That was fucking hilarious!_ " Jeremiah said over the radio.

"Agreed!" Church exclaimed.

"Get it on with it, Grif." Sarge ordered the orange-armored soldier, who just sighed before he turned to face the Blue Base.

"I would just like to let everyone know...that I suck!" Grif stated unenthusiastically.

"And?" Hudson asked, egging him on.

"And that I'm a girl…"

"What else?" Church asked in delight.

"And I like ribbons in my hair…and I want to kiss all the boys."

"This may be the best surrender of all time." Sarge said to Simmons.

"How? We're not getting anything out of it."

"Okay, are we good?" Hawkins asked Church.

"Yeah. That was so worth three weeks of being a ghost. Just me a second." Church said before concentrating. "Hegakergurk!"

And just like that, Church was now standing next to Tucker in an ethereal white form while Lopez reconstituted himself.

"Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright!" Church exclaimed. "Man, I forgot how good this feels...kinda loosey goosey."

 **"(At last, I am free.)"** Lopez stated in monotone Spanish before noticing Erika pointing her shotgun at him. **"(Who the hell are you?)"**

"I don't what you said, Le Roboto, but here's what's going to happen." The lime-colored woman stated. "I'm gonna accompany you back to Green Base, and you're going to fix our vehicles."

 **"(Fine. Just get me away from the crazy blue one. He will bring about a cruel but short-lived reign of tyranny. May a pox be upon his soul and house. But do not think that you green devils will be able to escape justice either. Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people, the workers will of the field will know that this is their moment.)"**

Hawkins, Church, and Tucker looked at each other looked back at the robot.

"I'm going to assume that something in there was along the lines of, 'Sure thing, senorita.'" Hawkins stated.

 **"(Suck my switch, green whore.)"** Lopez retorted as Frank and Caboose approached the four.

"Hey, Doc. How's the patient?" Church asked.

"Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive."

"He's talking about Caboose, right?" Tucker asked.

"No, I mean his toe. How's the toe I shot?"

"What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago."

"Rest in peace, pinkie toe." Caboose tearfully stated before saying in his deep voice, "You shall be avenged!"

 **"(The Blue Devil appears once more!)"**

"Get moving, lug nuts!" Hawkins ordered. Soon enough, she, DeFresne and Lopez began to work in the direction of Green Base.

"Goodbye, Hawk Lady and Doctor Person!" Caboose said.

"Well, it looks like everything's in order." Hudson said to the Reds. "Gentlemen, we'll be seeing you on the battlefield again soon."

"Enjoy this victory while it lasts, Greens." Sarge stated. "But soon, we'll come up with a plan so convoluted and terrifying that will you have no choice but admit defeat!"

"Ya, we'll see about that." Amador said before he and Hudson also left to return to Green Base.

"I can't help but notice that we didn't get anything out of all of this." Grif stated.

"Well, we got you to admit that you suck, so that's a win." Simmons stated.

"Oh shut up, kiss ass!"

Soon enough, Hawkins, DeFresne, Lopez, Hudson and Amador all met up at the entrance of Green Base.

"So, you're gonna first up our vehicles, right?" Hudson asked Lopez.

 **"(Only until I escape my captivity and return to the Red Team.)"** The robot stated.

"Hate to break it to ya, pendejo, but we'd blow your ass up before we'd let you get anywhere near Red Base." Amador stated.

 **"(Holy crap! You speak Spanish?!)"**

"(What do you think, dumbass?)" The shamrock technician said in his ancestor's tongue.

"You know, I'm starting to think they put something the water here." Frank stated.

"Yeah, those Blue Guys are nuts." Erika chimed in.

"You should've seen the Red Team." Amelia stated. "I've never seen such a disorganized squad since my old ODST squad got fucked over by a trigger happy dumbass. In fact, talking to their sergeant somehow reminded me of that nutjob."

"Hey, guys." Jeremiah said as he returned to base with two full jars of piss. Which Amador noticed right away.

"Jesus, dude! How much did you have to drink?"

"It's hotter than a buffalo's ball sack in summer. I needed to stay hydrated."

"Alright, that's enough, guys." Hudson said. "Let's just go inside, debrief, and relax."

"I hear that." Hawkins stated before the six entered the base. When they did, they saw a game of Pong being played on the computer before Darren's voice lines returned.

 **"Hey guys. How was the battle?"**

"Woah, is that the AI?" Jeremiah asked.

"Yes, that's Darren." Hudson grumbled.

"Oh, cool!" Erika exclaimed.

"Don't get your hopes up. This guy's an idiot." Amador stated.

 **"Oh, not cool, Amador."**

"But I thought AIs were supposed to be hyper intelligent." Jeremiah said.

"So did I until Darren dropped and broke a computer file. I still don't know how he did that." The shamrock technician stated.

 **"(What a dumbass.)** " Lopez chimed in.

 **"Who the hell is this?"**

 **"(I am Lopez the Heavy.)"**

 **"What kind of a stupid name is that?"**

 **"(At least I don't drop computer files like a nervous TI-82.)"**

 **"Big talk coming from a faulty repair droid with a tiny switch."**

 **"(When I escape, you will be the first to fall.)"**

 **"Bring it on, C-3PO."**

"Looks like Darren and Lopez are getting along just fine." Frank stated.

"Trust me, Frank, they're not." Amador replied, while Hudson sighed.

"It's gonna be a long campaign."

And with that, Green Team's first day at Blood Gulch came to an end. What other adventures await our heroes? And more importantly, will they all be as stupid and pointless as today?

 _To be continued…_

 **Author's Note 2: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! My first chapter for my first Red vs Blue fanfic! And as you can tell, the presence of a new team has already altered the course of history in Blood Gulch.**

 **Until next time, please remember to read, favorite and review! See ya next time!**


	2. Chapter 2: Mission of Goodwill

**Author's Note 1: Time to see how the residents of Blood Gulch are doing.**

 _Chapter 2: Mission of Goodwill_

"And that's what happened." Amador finished explaining to Lopez. The two were currently standing in the garage of the base. Like Hudson stated before, the three vehicles at their disposal were pretty damaged.

" **(Wow. You guys really fucked up.)"** The Mexican robot sated.

"Hey, we had our assigned duties before take off and Hawkins skimped out on hers."

" **(What was your duty?)"**

"Making sure that all of our Blu-Rays and power tools came with us."

" **(You guys have Blu-Rays?)"**

"Of course. We need someway to pass the time in between missions. How did you pass the time at Red Base?"

" **(I would perform routine maintenance on our Warthog and then fix the Warthog after the Reds would find someway to break it.)"**

"Ya, the Reds don't seem like the smartest tools in the shed."

" **(Yes, they can be pretty stupid. Especially the orange one.)"**

Meanwhile, Sarge had gathered the Reds for an emergency. "Alright, nancies. We need to form a new plan of attack."

"Didn't we just attack the Blues?" Grif asked.

"I'm not talking about the Blues, numbnuts. I'm talking about the Greens. It's obvious that as long as those neutral bastards are around, we won't be able to mount a successful offensive against the Blues."

"Also, they captured Lopez." Donut chimed in.

"That too." Sarge stated. "So the only logical course action we can take is to mount an attack on the Green Base and save Lopez! And after we have danced on the ashes of those green bastards, we'll have Lopez fix the Warthog, and then we can wipe out the Blues once and for all!"

"Um, sir? I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but that plan sounds like it'll probably get us all killed." Simmons nervously stated.

"Yes, we can expect some casualties on this mission. More specifically an orange casualty. Hell, and probably from not any of the enemy teams, but by someone accidentally blowing his head off in the confusion of battle. With a shotgun."

"No, I mean how do we even get close to Green Base?" The maroon-armored man continued. "For all we know, they could still have their sniper watching us right now. He can pick us off the second we start advancing on Green Base."

"You raise an excellent point, Simmons. Which is why the name of this operation is called Operation: Bullet Sponge."

"Aw, crap." Grif groaned, knowing that the bullet sponge was going to be him.

 _ **Green Base...**_

"Alright, I'm gonna go escort DeFresne to Red Base." Hudson explained as she loaded a fresh clip into her assault rifle. "Hawkins, keep an eye on Darren and the base while we're gone."

"You got it, Ma'am!" The lime-clad woman replied.

"I'm serious. I don't want this to be another securing incident."

"You're not letting that go anytime soon, are you?"

"Probably not."

" **Why the hell do you think I need a babysitter?"**

"Because I don't trust you to run the base on your own, Darren."

" **Aw, dude, weak."**

 _ **Blue Base…**_

Tucker was currently standing guard on top of Blue Base, tapping his foot to the rhythm of one his favorite songs. Church was out doing some reconnaissance work while Caboose was doing...whatever Caboose does when he's alone. Not that Tucker really gave a shit.

"So, any movement from Green Base?" Church's astral form asked.

"AHHH! Jesus, man! Don't sneak up on me like that!" Tucker yelled in shock.

"Sorry. I've haven't been a ghost in months. I forgot my feet don't make noises like this."

"Where do you keep disappearing to, anyway?" Tucker asked.

"Oh...you know…" The poltergeist awkwardly answered.

"You've been looking for Tex's ghost, haven't you?"

"It's just...how come I'm the only dead guy in existence to come back as a ghost?" Church asked.

"Well…"

"Well, what?"

"I didn't say it, but maybe the reason Tex didn't a ghost when she died is…" Tucker awkwardly stated.

"Is what, Tucker?" Church asked, quickly losing his patience.

"Okay, there's no easy way to say this. She's probably burning in hell."

And after a few seconds of silence for Church to process this, the poltergeist reacted with his usual level of calm dignity.

"TUCKER, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Woah! Take it easy, dude!"

"You just said my ex-girlfriend could be burning in hell! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT EASY!?"

"Well, just think about; Tex was a Freelancer. And guns-for-hire do all kinds of shady shit as long they get paid. I think taking money to murder someone is a hellable punishment."

"Then what about me?" Church asked.

"That's easy; you're an asshole."

"Tucker…" The ghost replied in rising anger.

"Here me out; you're an asshole, but you're not evil. So maybe the reason you became a ghost when Caboose killed you is that you're in a spiritual grey zone. Not good enough to go the heaven, 'cause you're an asshole, but evil enough to go to hell."

"I...you...actually, that makes total sense."

"Hell, maybe a demon's possessing Caboose and that's why his voice randomly becomes deep and menacing sometimes."

"You're still on about that?"

"I'm telling you, something wrong with him!"

As Tucker and Church were continuing their pointless debate, Jeremiah was watching them through the scope of his sniper rifle.

" _Preybird to Hot Shot. Come in Hot Shot."_ Erika radioed in.

"What's going on, Erika?" The olive-armored man asked.

" _Dude, use the code names!"_

"Oh, come on. The only ones who could possibly, and say that with the possible air quotes, intercept our transmissions are the Reds and Blues. And quite frankly, I doubt any of them are confident enough to hack a radio frequency. Besides, I never liked my code name."

" _Hey, you pulled it out of the hat, not me."_

"What do you want?"

" _I just need someone halfway intelligent to talk to. Lukas fixing up the vehicles with Mr. Spanish Robo, Hudson and Frank are visiting the Red Base, and I'm stuck babysitting the dumbest AI ever."_

" _ **No, your face is dumb, you dirty shisno!"**_

" _Get off the comms, Darren!"_

Jeremiah just sighed as he heard this. "I wonder how the boss is having a better day than me."

Speaking of Hudson…

"Hello? Anyone in there?" Hudson asked loudly as she and Frank stood outside the Red Base.

"Doesn't look like anyone's home." The purple-armored man stated.

"Maybe we got lucky and they accidentally shot themselves." Hudson said, no hint of sarcasm detected in her voice. Frank looked at her for a few seconds, not saying anything. Feeling his stare, Amelia turned around and asked, "What?"

"Anyone ever told you can be really cold?"

"Hey, I was a joking. I'm not a monster. I just have no tolerance for stupid people."

"AHA!" Sarge shouted, somehow having managed to sneak behind Amelia and aiming his shotgun at the back of her head.

"Speaking of stupid."

Back at Green Base, Erika was staring at the main computer screen, which showed nothing but nonsense code, almost falling asleep as she did.

" **ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!"** Darren suddenly shouted, freaking Hawkins out. " **FOREIGN DATA ENTITY DETECTED! I'M SO SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!"**

"Woah, woah, back up, Darren." Erika replied. "What do you mean by foreign data entity?"

Meanwhile, Lukas and Lopez were in the midst of repairing vehicles on separate sides of the garage. Until…

" **(Hegakergurk)!"** Lopez cried out as he twitched a little.

"Huh? Lopez, did you say some...OW, THE BACK OF MY HEAD!" Lukas said as Loped knocked him unconscious. The spanish robot then made its way towards the control room, where Erika was trying to calm Darren down. He then proceeded to aim his pistol at her head, clicking the safety off and getting Hawkins' attention.

"Lopez?!" The lime green-armored woman asked.

"Afraid not." Lopez responded...in a surprisingly feminine voice. "The name's Tex. And you got thirty seconds to explain who you are and what you're doing here before paint that computer console with your gray matter."

"The fuck?!"

 _To be continued…_

 **Author's Note 2: Plot twist no jutsu! Tex is back, so Tucker was wrong (nothing new there), and Amelia is at the mercy of Sar….okay, I can't type that with a straight face. Come back next time to see if these idiots waste more time doing nothing, or maybe the plot will kick in. Or maybe they'll all die in a fire. Who knows?**

 **Until next time, please remember to read, write, and review! See ya later!**


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